*Ding* moment

It's quite strange but today has been the first day that my  mother and I have has an honest to goodness conversation about where we stand with our faith, to find that we are in the same place. But it was also during this conversation that I worked out what it was about my faith that I struggled with so much and why I find it exceptionally hard to go to Mass every week.  So I'm going to try and talk about it here and see if I can voice it accurately.

I have worked for the Catholic church for the past 16 months, my mother had worked for the church for 26 years.  We have both been screwed over.  I can't go into a lot of detail but my mother took them to an industrial tribunal and won, and I'm leaving my job with a song in my heart and a smile on my face. 

We have also discovered that they amount of hypocrisy with in the church is unbelievable.  The priests have no idea how the real world works and they don't want to know.  The further up in the echelons you go the worse it is.  They just don't care about their workers or volunteers.  A lot of the parishes just don't care about health and safetly, the well being of their volunteers (or staff if they have any).  They just live in this little catholic bubble and ignore what is happening in the real world.  Which is so dangerous.  Not just because people can get seriously hurt and all the could come after (law suits, bad press.... etc), but because people in the outside world can not take those who work within the catholic church seriously. 

I have been extremely lucky that I have only worked for the Catholic church for 16 months, but even that has effected my job prospects.  I have been applying for so many jobs since June.  When they come back to me saying they are not offering me an interview, I do ask why.  They do not see that I have done any work over the past year since I work for the Catholic church.  Whilst working in the Catholic church they will not pay for any training that I should be getting (child protection, health and safety etc) so I am behind in training and no one is willing to pay for me to get caught up.  Also many of them see as working for the catholic church as playing.

My mother has also found that she has had the same problem.  No one will take her seriously.  They see that she has worked for the church for 26 years but has no certificate or qualifications about what she has done over that time.   She worked damn hard and yet no one outside of the church will touch her with a barge pole to allow her to get a job.

The church needs to change this if they want to survive.  I can't go to mass at the moment because if I try I just think about 'the boys club' that goes on, the ridiculous politics that happen.  Very few of the higher echelons get where they are because they are doing good work and have good parishes etc.  It's about who you know, who's palms have been crossed with silver.

On a surface parish level, things are good within the church and if I don't look any deeper than that I can deal with the catholic church and all that it holds.  However, that's not all the church is, there is a lot more to it and it's that I have really issues with.

I don't hate God, I am not walking away from my faith and my relationship with him, or how I live my life.  I will always live a Catholic life, however I just can't walk into a church with joy in my heart and wanting to sit there.

I have been gravely hurt by the church, not God, but the human side of it.  I hope one day I can come to terms with that and go back to church and celebrate the mass, be apart of a parish and all that it holds.  When I first started missing mass I felt guilty.  Now I feel really stressed at the thought of going to mass, because I feel that it's pure hypocrisy.  The church does not care, it does not want the best, it just wants to look after 'The Boys' and ensure that there are 'mugs' who are willing to bow down to them and do their bidding.  Well this is one person who is no longer willing to do that.  This is one person, who just wanted to serve our Lord and help young people to know God as I have known God, who isn't coming back for a while.

The hurt has got to pass, before I can let the healing begin.  I just don't know how long that is.

One thing is for sure, I'm never working for the catholic church ever, ever again.

Community

I grew up in an amazing parish and have yet to come accross another parish which is as vibrate, loving or as big a commnunity feel that my home parish has.  The parish priest there has spent the last 30 years turning this parish into a wonderful disciple parish, long before the bishops said that this is what parishes should be doing!  How's that for insightful.

My home parish I will always speak fondly of because they are my family and my friends.  Most of the teenagers now are the children I used to babysit for, the youth club which I help start at 12 years of age is still going stronger than ever.  This parish has been there for me physically and emotionally and without their love and fellowship I would not be where I am today.

This is what I wish for every Catholic to experience.  To belong to a parish, not to just attend mass once a week but to actually belong and feel as though they are a valid part of that community. 

As Catholic’s we should be looking out for people within our parishes, we should know at the very minimum those who attend the mass’ we regularly attend.  We should support each other through voluntary work as well as financial support towards the costs of running a parish.   I often hear parents say that there should be more for young people within the parish, and then very few people step forward to organise and run these events.  Times have changed and no longer is it acceptable that we just open the doors for our young people.  These days there are risk assessments to fill out, health and safety to conform to and volunteers should have some training in how to work with young people.

I grew up in a parish that focus very much on intergenerational work.  The young people would support events within the parish be it running a stall at the Christmas Fate, make tea and coffee for those working at the Christmas Fate, help with the setting up and the pulling down, cover stalls for comfort breaks…. All with a willing heart and a smile on their face.  And why did they do this, because the parish supported the young people in their endeavours.  The youth club always had help, when fundraising events happened the parish would support the young people.  The young people would sit together throughout the mass, they would participate with ministries within mass, there is a successful youth SVP… all because these young people felt as though they were important and worthwhile part of the parish.  Also because they have great role models.  When you’re in a parish were those who volunteer their services are in the majority of course you want to do something, but if your in a parish where volunteering your services are in the minority how are young people meant to learn what being in service is about.

A parish like this is few and far between and it’s such a shame. For it is because of this parish that I have a strong faith and a passion to work with parishes to help have a successful youth ministry.  Since I have left my home parishes I have become part of no less than four parishes, all of which have barely been friendly, I’ve had to constantly make the first move to introduce myself and try and be part of the parish and to be honest it gets more than a little disheartening.  I have to now go out and join another parish and I’m not sure I have the strength at the moment to put in that energy to try and become part of the parish, I am hoping that they will make the first move and make me feel welcome so that I want to put the time and energy into it.
If we can not have a strong community with in our parishes how can we as Catholic’s go out into the world and show them the love of God.  So take a look around you during mass, how many people do you know, is there anyone missing who usually turns up.  Do you know of someone who is housebound and may like a visit or help with shopping.  Charity begins at home.

What really makes me laugh is the older generations are forever saying 'the young need things to do' 'why do we keep loosing the youth' and it's because the older generation don't like to help out.  The youth can not come together is a group and run their own activities the world around does does not allow this.  The older generations have to step forward and give a helping hand.  I look around a lot of the parishes that I work in and only around 1 - 2% of those who attend mass actually do any sort of volunteering within the parishes and this includes those who undertake ministries (Eucharistic, Music, Liturgy etc).  It makes my heart ache.  How can you have a parish community when you know next to no one in the mass you attend (I am aware that one of my parishes have a weekend attendance of around 3000 people), when you don't help out at least one a month with something that is going on with in the parish.

I understand that when you have a family that time is precious, but surely if you would like your child to be brought up with a love of the Catholic faith and not just something that they attend once a week (or less in some cases) have time to explore one's faith should be a natural part of the family dynamics.  Encouraging your young person to go to the church youth group or the youth SVP etc should be a must but as parents you should at least volunteer to help out these groups at least once a term.  That works out at one evening every three months.  Surely it can't be that hard to arrange something like that if the Catholic faith allowing your children to enjoy and love the faith.

Again an example of my home parish, there is a 'good Catholic family' in my parish, I say this with a smile on my face as child number 7 or possibly 8 was born last year.  The children are a variety of ages the eldest being around 15 years old.  This is a good solid family, each child has their own interested, but this family go to church regularly and participate within the church community.   I am sure the children are so involved because the parents are.

Remember adults that you are the young people's role model.  If you are participating within your parish your children are more likely to, if you don't participate please don't complain because your children don't.  Think about what sort of vibe you are giving your child about the church.  I'm not just talking to parents and their children, I'm also talking to all those within the parish.  I have attended four parishes since I moved out of my mother's and none have been as friendly as my home parish.  None have been as active as my home parish.  My home parish have activities going on within the parish but also look at the community around them and help in the local community.

I am trying to find a free weekend when I can attend my new parish (I'm either working or at my mothers'), but looking at their website they don't have a lot on unless your a young person going through the sacramental programme.

I would love to be able to work within a parish and help in creating a discipleship parish but the catholic church does not have money for things like that.  Other denominations ask a tithe from their members the Catholic church doesn't.  A lot of non catholics don't realise this but our priests are not paid.  They are supported by the community and they live on what ever the church community gives them.  There is a larger pot of money they can tap into but that money must be paid back over time.

Anyway I'm not sure this rant actually makes sense fully but the point I make is that why isn't there a better feeling of community within the Catholic church.  The Catholic Church say that a catholic must go to mass once a week because one can not be fully emmersed within their faith by themselves, they must come together as a community to celebrate the faith and all that Jesus and God have to offer and to support one another in that..... so what happened?

Matthew 25:31-46
Luke 13:31-35

Introduction

I have found myself over the years struggling more and more with my faith. Well not my faith exactly as I am a Catholic and I will always be a Catholic and there is nothing in the 'verse that can take that away from me. What I am struggling with is how the Catholic faith is played out with those in power within the church, some of the teachings of the church and how the church is viewed and treated not just by those looking in at the church but more shockingly those within the church.

I don't feel that I have anywhere to turn to express my feelings, to get peoples thoughts on this or even some support from others who say 'yes... I feel the same way you do'. Instead I am holding the frustration and angst in and it's not doing me any favours, especially since I work for the Catholic Church.... although it does look as though I'm being made redundant soon because funding has become an issue.

I will post as often as I can when I can get any thoughts on to paper. Hopefully having this space to rant and rave will help me become stronger in my faith and perhaps meet a few people who have the same thoughts and feelings as me or even meet some people who can help me put my frustrations to bed or help me come to terms with how I'm feeling so it doesn't become a big problem for me. I do love being Catholic I just wish I didn't get do annoyed by the institutional church.