It's quite strange but today has been the first day that my mother and I have has an honest to goodness conversation about where we stand with our faith, to find that we are in the same place. But it was also during this conversation that I worked out what it was about my faith that I struggled with so much and why I find it exceptionally hard to go to Mass every week. So I'm going to try and talk about it here and see if I can voice it accurately.
I have worked for the Catholic church for the past 16 months, my mother had worked for the church for 26 years. We have both been screwed over. I can't go into a lot of detail but my mother took them to an industrial tribunal and won, and I'm leaving my job with a song in my heart and a smile on my face.
We have also discovered that they amount of hypocrisy with in the church is unbelievable. The priests have no idea how the real world works and they don't want to know. The further up in the echelons you go the worse it is. They just don't care about their workers or volunteers. A lot of the parishes just don't care about health and safetly, the well being of their volunteers (or staff if they have any). They just live in this little catholic bubble and ignore what is happening in the real world. Which is so dangerous. Not just because people can get seriously hurt and all the could come after (law suits, bad press.... etc), but because people in the outside world can not take those who work within the catholic church seriously.
I have been extremely lucky that I have only worked for the Catholic church for 16 months, but even that has effected my job prospects. I have been applying for so many jobs since June. When they come back to me saying they are not offering me an interview, I do ask why. They do not see that I have done any work over the past year since I work for the Catholic church. Whilst working in the Catholic church they will not pay for any training that I should be getting (child protection, health and safety etc) so I am behind in training and no one is willing to pay for me to get caught up. Also many of them see as working for the catholic church as playing.
My mother has also found that she has had the same problem. No one will take her seriously. They see that she has worked for the church for 26 years but has no certificate or qualifications about what she has done over that time. She worked damn hard and yet no one outside of the church will touch her with a barge pole to allow her to get a job.
The church needs to change this if they want to survive. I can't go to mass at the moment because if I try I just think about 'the boys club' that goes on, the ridiculous politics that happen. Very few of the higher echelons get where they are because they are doing good work and have good parishes etc. It's about who you know, who's palms have been crossed with silver.
On a surface parish level, things are good within the church and if I don't look any deeper than that I can deal with the catholic church and all that it holds. However, that's not all the church is, there is a lot more to it and it's that I have really issues with.
I don't hate God, I am not walking away from my faith and my relationship with him, or how I live my life. I will always live a Catholic life, however I just can't walk into a church with joy in my heart and wanting to sit there.
I have been gravely hurt by the church, not God, but the human side of it. I hope one day I can come to terms with that and go back to church and celebrate the mass, be apart of a parish and all that it holds. When I first started missing mass I felt guilty. Now I feel really stressed at the thought of going to mass, because I feel that it's pure hypocrisy. The church does not care, it does not want the best, it just wants to look after 'The Boys' and ensure that there are 'mugs' who are willing to bow down to them and do their bidding. Well this is one person who is no longer willing to do that. This is one person, who just wanted to serve our Lord and help young people to know God as I have known God, who isn't coming back for a while.
The hurt has got to pass, before I can let the healing begin. I just don't know how long that is.
One thing is for sure, I'm never working for the catholic church ever, ever again.
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I'm never working for the Catholic church again, either.
ReplyDeleteYou are completely right with the church being out of touch with the real world. I saw all sorts of atrocities committed large and small during the decade that I was working in the church.
I'm very sorry for your pain and loss in working in the church. It's true that finding a job after working in the church is difficult. I was a priest and I spent 14 months unemployed last year after being laid off from the job at had at that time. I have another former priest friend who left priesthood 14 months ago, who is still unemployed.
I hope your job search is fruitful and short.
There's a very old doctrine which says that the value of a sacrament has nothing to do with the worthiness of the person carrying it out. Since you're moving anyway, why not take advantage of the freedom and try visiting a few different parish churches, at intervals to suit yourself. You don't have to go weekly; you don't have to go to the nearest church; let's face it, the time when you *have* to do anything is long past.
ReplyDeleteI'm surprised (and disappointed) that the RC church doesn't take training seriously: pretty much every other English church grouping is heavily into both the training and, especially, the certificates that prove it has been done. Youth work is widely seen as a critical area of churches' ministries, and doing it properly (and therefore safely) is a priority.
I have to admit that I would not want to ever work in a paid capacity within a church. Even volunteers get a lot of stick from people whose worldview is too small to give them perspective; when the church pays you, they feel you have to take notice of their garbage.
Anyway, all the best with your new job, and with redefining your relationship with God.
I find it very hard by the fact I can't go to mass and not get angry and upset, and feeling dirty. At the same time I miss going and I feel that I am turning back on God and who I am.
ReplyDeleteI really resent the fact I have been placed in this situation. I wish I could go back to a time before I worked for the church. Before this disgust for the church set in.
I didn't get out to Midnight Mass this year, so I watched it on the beeb instead: it came from Westminster Cathedral, led by the new (RC) Archbishop of Westminster. It was weird.
ReplyDeleteI know you're somewhat alienated from your church at present, but you still might have more idea than me what was going on. Why, on a big set-piece occasion broadcast to the nation, was most of it in Latin? I thought they'd moved on from that half-a-century ago. And why so much time spent waving stuff at an altar covered in more bling than a drug baron's mansion? And why was there so little involvement from the congregation/audience? Even the hymns were sung by choirs. It was like opera, but without the drama. I gave up about three-quarters of the way through and went to wrap presents.
I can only assume that Archbishop Nichols was making some sort of deliberate statement, but I just don't 'get' what it could have been. I don't like not 'getting' stuff, so I seek enlightenment.
I think that's a bit of a complex issue. Although the mass is said in English now, there are those that prefer the latin mass for 'high' and 'special' occations.
ReplyDeletePersonally I have never been to a Latin mass and am interged to experience it. But listening to my mother, and knowing how long a latin mass goes on for I know that this mass is not for me. My hyperactivity would not allow me to get through the mass.
The old Latin mass is very, very, very different to the mass that Catholic's know today. The old Latin mass has no to little congregation participation. Pre vatican two mass' and Catholics were about people going to mass, go through the motions of the mass and then go home. There was not real community feel. The Latin mass was very much about the pop and circumstance, symbols and signs and all that jazz. It's just a very different feel and a different time of the Catholic church.
I don't think we should go back to that, but I don't think we should forget about it. Our past traditions are part of who we are adn should never be forgotten about. But we shouldn't be afraid of moving on and modernising as well.
There should be a place where both can be embrassed. I don't knwo what the solution is. However televising a Latin mass will be wonderful for some people but for other's will make the Catholic world seem more archaic than ever.
For more info about the latin mass here's a link. www.catholiclatinmass.org
Hope that helps. Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you. It's been a bit crazy. I will explain on my other blog. ;-)