I understand the importance of prayer within my faith.
I understand the importance of prayer for being a Catholic
I know the joy of prayer
I have experienced the power of prayer
I enjoy a praying.......
....providing I am allowed to do this in my own way. I am now living in a Catholic community, a life choice but also due to the work they do, and my calling to do that work. I have no qualms praying as part of a community or that we make it a daily thing. However I am struggling with the fact that they dictate the way we pray. I understand the need of community prayer, I understand the joy that this brings, the support we offer each other and how it brings us together as a community. However what I really dislike is the fact our director and assistant director have decided how we pray. Most of the prayer times are quiet and reflective. Even praise and worship is quite and sedate. After that we have half an hour of 'personal reflection time' but this is done in silence in the chapel.
The closet way I feel close to God, is to put my ipod on, select shuffle and go for a long walk in the countryside by myself. Sitting in 'reflective prayer' or sitting in silence in 'personal reflection time' does nothing for me and in fact makes me very restless.
I brought this up with my assistant director (and line manager) and I was just told to deal with it. I am not allowed to have any music to help me feel closer to God. I am not allowed to go for a walk.... I just have to sit there reading a book 'to help with personal reflection'. It doesn't work for me. Even if I read a fiction book in my own time I still have the TV or music going so that I can concentrate.
My line manager has made me feel like a bad Catholic because of this. Surely because adoration does not allow me to be close to God, because meditation does not allow me to be close to God, because reading and meditating on the bible does not allow me to be close to God, because I need music to help me feel close to God, because I need music to study the bible.... Am I a bad catholic, should I be made to feel I am wrong.
Why should be judge my 'catholicness' because of the way I pray... because I need something more active to be quiet with God. To hear God and to be with God.
Other than that, I'm really enjoying myself.
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The trouble with the written word is that it's not good at conveying tone - is the final sentence straight or ironic?
ReplyDeleteMany years ago when I helped lead a youth group at a local Anglican church, a wonderful resource of lively songs was Songs of the Spirit, by Damian Lundy - a brother at St Cassian's Centre at Kintbury. Later we used many of its songs in leading informal evening worship (mostly for adults). It's not Led Zeppelin or Black Sabbath, but for its time the book was a great support for worship and prayer. And Taize songs are well known as forming an excellent background and scaffold for prayer.
So music as a background to prayer, or even Bible study, is hardly unCatholic - quite the opposite.
Not that there's anything wrong with putting a bit of effort into finding God in silence also, but it's a matter of balance. Or is 'balance' an unCatholic concept? I know there have been theologians who strongly promoted it, but I can't remember who, so I can't check which side of the fence they were on.
Anyway, I hope things are going well for you otherwise, and that you and your line manager can work your way to harmony.
My last comment is straight. I really am enjoying the job and enjoying my life here.
ReplyDeleteInterestingly, without planning to, I talked to a friend of mine and told her what I was thinking and feeling about the prayer we have here. It felt so good to just talk about it openly and honestly.
I don't know what my prayer life here will be or what I will do, but it just felt good to talk.