Prayer

Prayer is something that I've never overly struggled with. From a young age I've always prayed to God, I've always got answers.... even if they are not the answers I want or expect.  The best way I find to pray is by playing music, whilst I meditate on the day and thanking God for the amazing day and any awesome events.  In also ask God to guide me through times I struggle with.  As I'm meditating on these things lines or words from the songs I'm listening to will become dominate in my  mind.  This is God talking to me.  Sometimes I like the answers I get, sometimes I don't.  Always though I feel refreshed and enjoy the time I get to spend with God.

However since I started my new job (which is a catholic retreat centre) we have community prayer and I am not allowed to do this whilst in community prayer.  In stead I have to sit in complete silence, for most days 30 minutes but once a week it's an hour. 

Silence and I have never ever got on.  The more I'm in silence, the worse things get for me.  So when I sit through half hour of prayer it has a very negative side effect on me, apart from having more energy than I know what to do with, it also causes my brain to go on overdrive.  As a result I don't sleep well.  I usually sleep for about an hour or so and that's it.  So as you can imagine I get unbelievably tired.  At the weekend I do try and catch  up on sleep but I have so much to do that I really can't cope with sleeping for the 15 odd hours that I need each night to catch up.

My boss and his boss are always trying to tell me that silence is a good thing, that it does people good.  I said it has a detrimental effect on me, but they want me to keep going, so I do.  I went to see the doctor to try and see if I could get an official ADHD diagnosis that would mean I didn't have to sit in silence.  It will take a few weeks to get the referal, and maybe a few weeks after that.... which sucks.  So I continue to go to prayer.  I started off fidgeting chronically, after a while I stopped doing that, I started bashing my head against the wall, I didn't notice at first but other people did.

So last night I took the decision to go to bed at 4.30pm and miss prayer.  I made it clear why I was missing prayer and just went straight to bed.  I slept through until 7.30am.  I feel wonderful today.  Amazing in fact.  To day my boss' boss came up to me and said that for today I could miss silent prayer and we would talk about it on Monday.  Can't wait to see what will happen with that!!!!

I can't believe it's so hard to try and pray in a way that does not have a detrimental effect on me.  I can't believe what they want me to do, adn try to make out it's my fault.  They keep saying things like we are made exactly how we're meant to be and we shouldn't to change, but that's all they want me to do.  They say that we should pray as we can not as we can't and they expect me to do that every day and then some.... it's just ridiculous!  I don't know what they hell I'm suppose to do about all this all.

Prayer

I understand the importance of prayer within my faith.
I understand the importance of prayer for being a Catholic
I know the joy of prayer
I have experienced the power of prayer
I enjoy a praying.......

....providing I am allowed to do this in my own way.  I am now living in a Catholic community, a life choice but also due to the work they do, and my calling to do that work.  I have no qualms praying as part of a community or that we make it a daily thing.  However I am struggling with the fact that they dictate the way we pray.  I understand the need of community prayer, I understand the joy that this brings, the support we offer each other and how it brings us together as a community.  However what I really dislike is the fact our director and assistant director have decided how we pray.  Most of the prayer times are quiet and reflective.  Even praise and worship is quite and sedate.  After that we have half an hour of 'personal reflection time' but this is done in silence in the chapel.

The closet way I feel close to God, is to put my ipod on, select shuffle and go for a long walk in the countryside by myself.  Sitting in 'reflective prayer' or sitting in silence in 'personal reflection time' does nothing for me and in fact makes me very restless. 

I brought this up with my assistant director (and line manager) and I was just told to deal with it. I am not allowed to have any music to help me feel closer to God.  I am not allowed to go for a walk.... I just have to sit there reading a book 'to help with personal reflection'.  It doesn't work for me.  Even if I read a fiction book in my own time I still have the TV or music going so that I can concentrate.

My line manager has made me feel like a bad Catholic because of this.  Surely because adoration does not allow me to be close to God, because meditation does not allow me to be close to God, because reading and meditating on the bible does not allow me to be close to God, because I need music to help me feel close to God, because I need music to study the bible.... Am I a bad catholic, should I be made to feel I am wrong. 

Why should be judge my 'catholicness' because of the way I pray... because I need something more active to be quiet with God. To hear God and to be with God.

Other than that, I'm really enjoying myself.