*Ding* moment

It's quite strange but today has been the first day that my  mother and I have has an honest to goodness conversation about where we stand with our faith, to find that we are in the same place. But it was also during this conversation that I worked out what it was about my faith that I struggled with so much and why I find it exceptionally hard to go to Mass every week.  So I'm going to try and talk about it here and see if I can voice it accurately.

I have worked for the Catholic church for the past 16 months, my mother had worked for the church for 26 years.  We have both been screwed over.  I can't go into a lot of detail but my mother took them to an industrial tribunal and won, and I'm leaving my job with a song in my heart and a smile on my face. 

We have also discovered that they amount of hypocrisy with in the church is unbelievable.  The priests have no idea how the real world works and they don't want to know.  The further up in the echelons you go the worse it is.  They just don't care about their workers or volunteers.  A lot of the parishes just don't care about health and safetly, the well being of their volunteers (or staff if they have any).  They just live in this little catholic bubble and ignore what is happening in the real world.  Which is so dangerous.  Not just because people can get seriously hurt and all the could come after (law suits, bad press.... etc), but because people in the outside world can not take those who work within the catholic church seriously. 

I have been extremely lucky that I have only worked for the Catholic church for 16 months, but even that has effected my job prospects.  I have been applying for so many jobs since June.  When they come back to me saying they are not offering me an interview, I do ask why.  They do not see that I have done any work over the past year since I work for the Catholic church.  Whilst working in the Catholic church they will not pay for any training that I should be getting (child protection, health and safety etc) so I am behind in training and no one is willing to pay for me to get caught up.  Also many of them see as working for the catholic church as playing.

My mother has also found that she has had the same problem.  No one will take her seriously.  They see that she has worked for the church for 26 years but has no certificate or qualifications about what she has done over that time.   She worked damn hard and yet no one outside of the church will touch her with a barge pole to allow her to get a job.

The church needs to change this if they want to survive.  I can't go to mass at the moment because if I try I just think about 'the boys club' that goes on, the ridiculous politics that happen.  Very few of the higher echelons get where they are because they are doing good work and have good parishes etc.  It's about who you know, who's palms have been crossed with silver.

On a surface parish level, things are good within the church and if I don't look any deeper than that I can deal with the catholic church and all that it holds.  However, that's not all the church is, there is a lot more to it and it's that I have really issues with.

I don't hate God, I am not walking away from my faith and my relationship with him, or how I live my life.  I will always live a Catholic life, however I just can't walk into a church with joy in my heart and wanting to sit there.

I have been gravely hurt by the church, not God, but the human side of it.  I hope one day I can come to terms with that and go back to church and celebrate the mass, be apart of a parish and all that it holds.  When I first started missing mass I felt guilty.  Now I feel really stressed at the thought of going to mass, because I feel that it's pure hypocrisy.  The church does not care, it does not want the best, it just wants to look after 'The Boys' and ensure that there are 'mugs' who are willing to bow down to them and do their bidding.  Well this is one person who is no longer willing to do that.  This is one person, who just wanted to serve our Lord and help young people to know God as I have known God, who isn't coming back for a while.

The hurt has got to pass, before I can let the healing begin.  I just don't know how long that is.

One thing is for sure, I'm never working for the catholic church ever, ever again.