Things have changed

There are a lot of things within the Catholic church I have struggled with over the years and either have found peace with this or found a way of living with the contradiction within myself.

However, recently I have found myself in a place I thought I would never find myself.  I am fast falling in love with a guy.  Which within itself is causing issues within me for different reasons.  However, from my faith point of view this is causing conflict that I am struggling to reconcile within myself.

1. He has been married before, has been separated for quite a while but as of yet not got a divorce. The fact he has been married makes it hard for me to have a church wedding.  Yes, I know I'm jumping the gun a bit here but he is someone I am thinking like that with.

2. Contraception:  I don't want to be a mother... I don't know if I ever want to be a mother and when I was single and happy to stay like that for the rest of my life this was never an issue.  Now it is and I don't know what to do.

3. Sex outside of marriage!  We are seeing each other but I have yet to take that big step (for me) of sleeping with him, for he will be the first person I will have slept with.  This is a bit of a sticking point for me.  The Catholic church is quite clear about sex before marriage and about sleeping with married people.

4. He's (still technically) married.  He becomes an adultery, and I'm destroying a marriage.  Sort of, they have been separated for quite a while.

These were things I've never had to think about.  I was the singleton from now until the day I die.  I made my peace with it, and now this guy has come along and I have to reassess things and I know what I want to do, I know what the church says but I do, and have done for a while, thought they are out dated with their thoughts and believes and have had many a conversation with priests and nuns about this but at the end of the day the church is the church.

I have no idea what I am going to do.  I need advice please... and prayer.  I am going to have to pray about this a lot.

A realisation.

The Catholic Church would find itself more favourable postion if it would stop concentrating on the superifcial side of the faith (such as bells, smells, pomp and circumstance), stop hating anything thats different or outside of its timy tunnel vision brain, and actually went into the community and supported and love it. At the moment the church sits behind its walls and pretends that the real world means nothing to them. Perhaps we should remind them that the Lord wants us to love our neighbour as we love urselves, and that we are meant to be sevents as well as leaders. The old boys club sitting in luxuary in Rome, really should out and spend a year or three in the real world, not in a parish but actually in the community where they can serve.  Then once they've been in the real world they explain why its okay to say woman are only good for traditinal female role and why those of the same sex can not get married, and why is it the chrch believes that its a homosexual couple will ruin the sanctaty of marriage. Marriage was ruined years a go, dont blame the homosexuals, blame the hetrosexuals who have forgotten what it means to be in a loving relationship.

Im beginning to get to the point where, I love God, he is amazing and does great things, but organise religion is ruining everything because they are driven by the wrong things, power and money rather than love and compassion.

Just saying.......

Homophobia

Homophobia- the worst disease
You can't love who you want to love in times like these
Homophobia- the worst disease
Love how you want to love and love who you please

Homophobia: Chumbawamba

It's been an interesting evening.  I went out with some people from work as a bit of a goodbye evening.  It was really nice, but it's amazing how homophobic some of these people are.  Devote catholic's but really homophobic so we had a long conversation about it.  Once again I was asked if I was gay, to which I gave my normal response.  I will fall in love with whom I fall in love with be it male or female, it doesn't really bother me.  Well one lass jaw dropped to the floor, you could see her saying it was a sin.  Her whole attitude changed.  I can't believe just how bigoted some catholic's can be... then I thought about this for a bit longer and actually the catholic church is unbelievably prejudice and not just to the homosexual community.... all sort of things.  It made me question why I'm still a catholic. 

I believe in God, I believe he wants the best for us all.  I believe that we are all put on this planet to love one another, to be kind to each other and most of all to help each other to live a better and easier life.  So why does religion seem to make this so hard.  People base their prejudice on their faiths, and yes I do appreciate this is just an excuse for what's already there, but why don't religions actually help with this.  They just add fuel to the fire.  If the Catholic church were to come out and say that although it doesn't agree with the sexual act between to gay men (and it's just men, not the woman), they should say that homosexuals are still welcome into the church and can still be apart of the catholic community.  Jesus invited all into the arms, he loved everyone and helped everyone.  So why can't people do that.... christians seem to be the worst at living what they like to preach. 

I know I'm not perfect, I know that I get it wrong, I know I hurt people when I don't mean to, I know that I can be intolerant at times, I know I can be really impatient with people, but I know I try.  There are so many 'religious' people out there who although say are full of 'the Love of Christ' are actually full of hate.  I taints the faith, it taints all they touch...... It makes me really wonder why I still bother with religion.  I should just study the bible by myself, I should love God, pray and learn things myself but not bother with the whole organised religion.

I'm so confused... and full of pain.

The Creed

We believe in one God,
the Father, the Almighty,
maker of heaven and earth,
of all that is, seen and unseen.
We believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ,
the only son of God,
eternally begotten of the Father,
God from God, Light from Light,
true God from true God,
begotten, not made,
of one being with the Father.
Through him all things were made.
For us and for our salvation
he came down from heaven:
by the power of the Holy Spirit
he became incarnate from the Virgin Mary,
and was made man.
For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate;
he suffered death and was buried.
On the third day he rose again
in accordance with the Scriptures;
he ascended into heaven
and is seated at the right hand of the Father.
He will come again in glory
to judge the living and the dead,
and his kingdom will have no end.
We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life,
who proceeds from the Father and the Son.
With the Father and the Son
he is worshipped and glorified.
He has spoken through the Prophets.
[We believe in one holy catholic and apostolic Church.]
We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins.
We look for the resurrection of the dead,
and the life of the world to come. AMEN.

I believe in all that God and Jesus stands for, how ever the institution known as the catholic church can just fuck right off.

Silence

I am struggling with my prayer life at the moment.  I have always felt that I can talk to God, I have been able to feel his love on the whole.  I have gone through times in my life when I don't feel him usually because I've stopped looking.  Even when I walk away, when my hated blinds me, I can still feel him, hand on my shoulder waiting patiently for me to return.

"The interior man is aware that times of silence are demanded by love of God.  As a rule he needs a certain solitude so that he may hear God 'speaking to his heart.'  It must be stressed that a silence which is a mere absence of noise and words, in which the soul cannot renew its vigor, would obviously lack any spiritual value.  It could even be harmful to fraternal charity, if at that moment it were essential to have contact with other.  On the contry, the search for intimacy with God involves the truly vital need of a silence embracing the whole being, both for those who must find God in the midst of noise and confusion and for contemplatives.  Faith, hope and a love for God which is open to the gifts of the Spirit, and also a brotherly love which is open to the mystery of others, carry with them an impereative need for silence."

Vatican II pg 701

I've been reading this over and over and over again lately.  I really don't understand it.  On the one hand I feel like it's telling me that the only way to be close to God is through silence and it's a must within the Catholic faith.  However, I also read it as saying that silence is different to each individual.  As individuals we have to discover our own silence, in what ever form that is, and allow ourselves to experience God through that.

With the silent prayer that we do in community, I have never felt so far away from God in my life. I used to have a great prayer life, I used to talk to him daily, Mass was a highlight of the week.  Now though there is nothing. No silence. No love. No light. No dark. Just nothing.

I wish someone could show me why silence is such a big freaking deal.  Why does it make you closer to God? All it's going for me, is making me not sleep, making me feel like a real freak, making me hate myself, making me jealous, making me frustrated.... why can't my personal prayer time be something that works for me so that I can have that relationship with God.

Prayer

Prayer is something that I've never overly struggled with. From a young age I've always prayed to God, I've always got answers.... even if they are not the answers I want or expect.  The best way I find to pray is by playing music, whilst I meditate on the day and thanking God for the amazing day and any awesome events.  In also ask God to guide me through times I struggle with.  As I'm meditating on these things lines or words from the songs I'm listening to will become dominate in my  mind.  This is God talking to me.  Sometimes I like the answers I get, sometimes I don't.  Always though I feel refreshed and enjoy the time I get to spend with God.

However since I started my new job (which is a catholic retreat centre) we have community prayer and I am not allowed to do this whilst in community prayer.  In stead I have to sit in complete silence, for most days 30 minutes but once a week it's an hour. 

Silence and I have never ever got on.  The more I'm in silence, the worse things get for me.  So when I sit through half hour of prayer it has a very negative side effect on me, apart from having more energy than I know what to do with, it also causes my brain to go on overdrive.  As a result I don't sleep well.  I usually sleep for about an hour or so and that's it.  So as you can imagine I get unbelievably tired.  At the weekend I do try and catch  up on sleep but I have so much to do that I really can't cope with sleeping for the 15 odd hours that I need each night to catch up.

My boss and his boss are always trying to tell me that silence is a good thing, that it does people good.  I said it has a detrimental effect on me, but they want me to keep going, so I do.  I went to see the doctor to try and see if I could get an official ADHD diagnosis that would mean I didn't have to sit in silence.  It will take a few weeks to get the referal, and maybe a few weeks after that.... which sucks.  So I continue to go to prayer.  I started off fidgeting chronically, after a while I stopped doing that, I started bashing my head against the wall, I didn't notice at first but other people did.

So last night I took the decision to go to bed at 4.30pm and miss prayer.  I made it clear why I was missing prayer and just went straight to bed.  I slept through until 7.30am.  I feel wonderful today.  Amazing in fact.  To day my boss' boss came up to me and said that for today I could miss silent prayer and we would talk about it on Monday.  Can't wait to see what will happen with that!!!!

I can't believe it's so hard to try and pray in a way that does not have a detrimental effect on me.  I can't believe what they want me to do, adn try to make out it's my fault.  They keep saying things like we are made exactly how we're meant to be and we shouldn't to change, but that's all they want me to do.  They say that we should pray as we can not as we can't and they expect me to do that every day and then some.... it's just ridiculous!  I don't know what they hell I'm suppose to do about all this all.

Prayer

I understand the importance of prayer within my faith.
I understand the importance of prayer for being a Catholic
I know the joy of prayer
I have experienced the power of prayer
I enjoy a praying.......

....providing I am allowed to do this in my own way.  I am now living in a Catholic community, a life choice but also due to the work they do, and my calling to do that work.  I have no qualms praying as part of a community or that we make it a daily thing.  However I am struggling with the fact that they dictate the way we pray.  I understand the need of community prayer, I understand the joy that this brings, the support we offer each other and how it brings us together as a community.  However what I really dislike is the fact our director and assistant director have decided how we pray.  Most of the prayer times are quiet and reflective.  Even praise and worship is quite and sedate.  After that we have half an hour of 'personal reflection time' but this is done in silence in the chapel.

The closet way I feel close to God, is to put my ipod on, select shuffle and go for a long walk in the countryside by myself.  Sitting in 'reflective prayer' or sitting in silence in 'personal reflection time' does nothing for me and in fact makes me very restless. 

I brought this up with my assistant director (and line manager) and I was just told to deal with it. I am not allowed to have any music to help me feel closer to God.  I am not allowed to go for a walk.... I just have to sit there reading a book 'to help with personal reflection'.  It doesn't work for me.  Even if I read a fiction book in my own time I still have the TV or music going so that I can concentrate.

My line manager has made me feel like a bad Catholic because of this.  Surely because adoration does not allow me to be close to God, because meditation does not allow me to be close to God, because reading and meditating on the bible does not allow me to be close to God, because I need music to help me feel close to God, because I need music to study the bible.... Am I a bad catholic, should I be made to feel I am wrong. 

Why should be judge my 'catholicness' because of the way I pray... because I need something more active to be quiet with God. To hear God and to be with God.

Other than that, I'm really enjoying myself.