Homophobia

Homophobia- the worst disease
You can't love who you want to love in times like these
Homophobia- the worst disease
Love how you want to love and love who you please

Homophobia: Chumbawamba

It's been an interesting evening.  I went out with some people from work as a bit of a goodbye evening.  It was really nice, but it's amazing how homophobic some of these people are.  Devote catholic's but really homophobic so we had a long conversation about it.  Once again I was asked if I was gay, to which I gave my normal response.  I will fall in love with whom I fall in love with be it male or female, it doesn't really bother me.  Well one lass jaw dropped to the floor, you could see her saying it was a sin.  Her whole attitude changed.  I can't believe just how bigoted some catholic's can be... then I thought about this for a bit longer and actually the catholic church is unbelievably prejudice and not just to the homosexual community.... all sort of things.  It made me question why I'm still a catholic. 

I believe in God, I believe he wants the best for us all.  I believe that we are all put on this planet to love one another, to be kind to each other and most of all to help each other to live a better and easier life.  So why does religion seem to make this so hard.  People base their prejudice on their faiths, and yes I do appreciate this is just an excuse for what's already there, but why don't religions actually help with this.  They just add fuel to the fire.  If the Catholic church were to come out and say that although it doesn't agree with the sexual act between to gay men (and it's just men, not the woman), they should say that homosexuals are still welcome into the church and can still be apart of the catholic community.  Jesus invited all into the arms, he loved everyone and helped everyone.  So why can't people do that.... christians seem to be the worst at living what they like to preach. 

I know I'm not perfect, I know that I get it wrong, I know I hurt people when I don't mean to, I know that I can be intolerant at times, I know I can be really impatient with people, but I know I try.  There are so many 'religious' people out there who although say are full of 'the Love of Christ' are actually full of hate.  I taints the faith, it taints all they touch...... It makes me really wonder why I still bother with religion.  I should just study the bible by myself, I should love God, pray and learn things myself but not bother with the whole organised religion.

I'm so confused... and full of pain.

The Creed

We believe in one God,
the Father, the Almighty,
maker of heaven and earth,
of all that is, seen and unseen.
We believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ,
the only son of God,
eternally begotten of the Father,
God from God, Light from Light,
true God from true God,
begotten, not made,
of one being with the Father.
Through him all things were made.
For us and for our salvation
he came down from heaven:
by the power of the Holy Spirit
he became incarnate from the Virgin Mary,
and was made man.
For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate;
he suffered death and was buried.
On the third day he rose again
in accordance with the Scriptures;
he ascended into heaven
and is seated at the right hand of the Father.
He will come again in glory
to judge the living and the dead,
and his kingdom will have no end.
We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life,
who proceeds from the Father and the Son.
With the Father and the Son
he is worshipped and glorified.
He has spoken through the Prophets.
[We believe in one holy catholic and apostolic Church.]
We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins.
We look for the resurrection of the dead,
and the life of the world to come. AMEN.

I believe in all that God and Jesus stands for, how ever the institution known as the catholic church can just fuck right off.

Silence

I am struggling with my prayer life at the moment.  I have always felt that I can talk to God, I have been able to feel his love on the whole.  I have gone through times in my life when I don't feel him usually because I've stopped looking.  Even when I walk away, when my hated blinds me, I can still feel him, hand on my shoulder waiting patiently for me to return.

"The interior man is aware that times of silence are demanded by love of God.  As a rule he needs a certain solitude so that he may hear God 'speaking to his heart.'  It must be stressed that a silence which is a mere absence of noise and words, in which the soul cannot renew its vigor, would obviously lack any spiritual value.  It could even be harmful to fraternal charity, if at that moment it were essential to have contact with other.  On the contry, the search for intimacy with God involves the truly vital need of a silence embracing the whole being, both for those who must find God in the midst of noise and confusion and for contemplatives.  Faith, hope and a love for God which is open to the gifts of the Spirit, and also a brotherly love which is open to the mystery of others, carry with them an impereative need for silence."

Vatican II pg 701

I've been reading this over and over and over again lately.  I really don't understand it.  On the one hand I feel like it's telling me that the only way to be close to God is through silence and it's a must within the Catholic faith.  However, I also read it as saying that silence is different to each individual.  As individuals we have to discover our own silence, in what ever form that is, and allow ourselves to experience God through that.

With the silent prayer that we do in community, I have never felt so far away from God in my life. I used to have a great prayer life, I used to talk to him daily, Mass was a highlight of the week.  Now though there is nothing. No silence. No love. No light. No dark. Just nothing.

I wish someone could show me why silence is such a big freaking deal.  Why does it make you closer to God? All it's going for me, is making me not sleep, making me feel like a real freak, making me hate myself, making me jealous, making me frustrated.... why can't my personal prayer time be something that works for me so that I can have that relationship with God.